So update… its bitter sweet.
I went to see a specialist this past Monday. Spent close to
5 hours going through the medical ringer; talking, exams, labs, blood – and therapy.
It was a draining day on me, but overall I feel good about the direction I am
heading. I have depression. I am not ok with that – but I am ok with
knowing it and accepting it now.
For the most part, a clean bill of health. In theory, once I gain a hold on this, my health issues should begin to dwindle as well. Which is good. I am fixable. I was
given an extension on my anti-depressant, but since it won’t fully kick in for
another 3 weeks, won’t know the full effects.
Maybe… maybe all I needed was to see myself. I hate how it happened, but it happened, and
that part I am happy about. However, I know
what needs to be done. It was nice to hear that things aren't so bad, and I actually thought they were right. Given that I have accepted things and have taken steps to correct things is a good thing. I have a tool, I
have a guide who pointed me in the right direction and made me say the words to
make me want it (not that I ever want to go back into that again after so
long), but I don’t have that someone to walk with me.
She left. I blew up
in an emotional outburst and it was the last straw. For once we had a legit argument, a legit
reason to be pissed and it was just to make it end. I’m so drained. Emotionally, physically… I’m not used to
feeling like this. It is just too much
to handle, and I lost my temper. I
yelled, I screamed…. But I didn’t sling mud.
I said what I thought needed to be said.
But.. I yelled it which makes it wrong in itself. We had a
moment, and then I fucked it up, because I yelled. She packed up and went to our friends to stay. Probably moving there before making the big move home - but I can hope for better. I honestly want her happy above all else (and my heart is screaming at my brain right now because I keep fucking it up and had the chance to make her and everyone else happy and treat them right and i couldn't even fucking do that right before now).
Every bit of me is trying to reach out. But I cant.
She needs to be free and make up her own mind if she wants to be the one
to stand beside me after this. I wouldn’t
– but then again, I wouldn’t give up if there as a chance.
Anyway. I called
family, and was welcomed with open arms.
I told the world that I fucked up, and I own that. I’m moving forward anyway, even though it
hurts. They told me what it was – I fucked up and she is pissed. But most people did the right thing – they
stood beside me, they didn’t take sides, and they didn’t feed me what I wanted
to hear – but what I needed to hear.
Which is what a few people have been trying to do for so long…
I’ve seen people go
through this – watched more pain than I ever wanted to feel. Been there as a shoulder to lean on or the blunt opinion that they needed to hear. I never denied I was fucked up, I just thought it wasn't that bad and thought i had control. Part of the reason I’m in this mess is
because I shut myself away. And yet here
I am… braving the storm. I have yet to
learn how to sing in the rain, but I have learned to go out in it and feel
ok.
I’m coming out of depression, that’s the goal. So with that
journey, I have to open up my heart. I
have to feel every bit of pain and loss. Here goes nothing… I hope one day that I can be the man I need
to be. The man that the woman who showed
me love needs me to be, whether we are together or not. I need to do this solo or with help.
The plan now… move on in somewhat. Get a job, get back on my feet. Learn that I can have a shoulder to help if I
want or need it. I start group tomorrow,
and go in for another therapy session Monday.
One thing would make me the happiest, luckiest guy right now…
but that’s doubtful. I need a win, and I
need to work for it. I’ve gotta do this
before it kills me.
Thank you love for pushing me to do this. Thank you for being you.
