Week 9: Probably the last update on this mess

So here I am. 9 weeks after the event that changed my life forever.  From one perspective I am in a better place than I was back then; others, I am closer and closer to an abyss than I have ever been.   So without further ado, here goes the news.  Now I must say to start, that I do have a few soapbox moments… so yeah. 

Let’s start with some good news. 

I have started basic therapy, started support groups, and started a form of “rubber band” therapy for PTSD.  Nothing is perfect, but that’s a good start to my future of knowing.  I know what my triggers are, and I know how I react to them.  The head docs, who I lucked out with and get along with wonderfully, have given me the nice bill of future health.  Basically, after all is said and done, I should (pending nothing serious) be ok and able to manage with the right attention and care. 

Now this may be wrong, but I fit into the category of those who have had the “light switch moment” and got to see what I was and have taken measures to change that.  I am apparently one of the few people diagnosed who have these sorts of moments.  This makes me a bit more at ease with that part of life.  So on the depression/PTSD track, not perfect, but on the right track, and should be good. Not exactly a win, but it’s a start.

So now I say this:  If you know about an issue, whether someone sees it or not, talk about it.  Ask if you can fucking do something about it.  Don’t just assume that they are bored, or pissed, or that it’s “normal”.  Something could be seriously fucking wrong; you have an obligation as a friend, to at least try.  If you call this person a friend, see what the fuck is up.  Never tell someone there is no hope, to give up, and to move on.  Never ever… and if you are one of those who do – well might need to learn how to get out of that mind set.  Get them to open up and tell them you are there (and fucking mean it), ask what they can do (and fucking do it).  No one, I repeat, no one is equipped to handle this shit.  Even those of us who have seen some real shit and know it, cannot say we are ready for it when it happens. 

I have been on both sides.  I’ve been the one hurting, and the one helping.  I know full well how much it sucks to be watching a friend or loved one hurt like nothing else and be powerless to aid them.  But regardless, I can say that I give it my all.  I see what I can do, I reach out, I will not back down until I know things will be ok one way or another.  But I know that that’s not everyone.  Yet… be a friend.  Show you care. It might mean someone’s life.  And if you cant.. Well personally I tell you to fuck off and eat a dick… but not everyone can deal with that either.   So I will say it again, but to those who have truly helped me in this, I thank you and can only do so much to repay you; even if that is a shoulder to carry a burden for you as well.

Regardless of indifference or willingness to go at it, I have and will always respect those who push to get the truth.  To push for the answers on both sides and take the measures to ensure that things are to a point where its ok.  Those who go that extra mile to make sure shit gets sorted out.  I lose all respect of those who do not.

Man, kind of dire for good news… but anyway; now the bad.

I dropped over 25 pounds over the course of the past 2 months.  Which some see that in other lights, were as I am happy to have lost some, it pretty much undoes all the hard work I put into toning up and whatnot. 

I am still unemployed full time.  The bills are adding up, and thinking I have someone to hold me up ended up being a trust fall that caused me to hit rock bottom in that area too.  I honestly haven’t been this miserable in general in a long time.  Even now, while I am ok with where I am going, I have lost it all.  Yet… as it goes, only after we have lost everything are we able to do anything. 

Companies are full of dipshits.  And those dipshits make the rules where whoever you talk to claims to give you an option to help you out, but still fuck you over.  Sorry companies, lenders, state government and whoever else says I owe them – I would love to pay you if I could.  I take great pride in earning my way.  However, for now – get in line like everyone else wanting to take it out of my ass(there isn’t jack shit there anymore).    

She… is gone.  Probably for good.  I watched her seemingly begin the path that I just finished.  Seemingly unable or unwilling to deal with it, unable to really sit down and talk about it with people.  I guess maybe it’s because I finally realized what I was doing by bottling things up inside that I went to anyone and everyone.  I asked for help, guidance, aid, assistance in any form I could get.  You claim to never care what others thing – and in truth I really don’t either. But I do know this, most of the people we know give a shit.  They have an opinion and will help you through no matter what – you just have to accept it and extend a hand.  That’s who we are. 

If you ever read this, know that I honestly still love you with all my heart. Nothing will change that.  One day I hope we can be ok and you will come back.  If it was true love, then we shall see.  If it was just another game, then I was played like a fool.  But I will do my best to move on.  The one thing I truly needed for this to be at an end, is the one thing you can’t give me.  A real talk, a real chance, you to be the shoulder I lean on, and you me.  Otherwise, it’ll just be dealing with it. 

Every day, I look into the abyss.  I have released the hand of hatred for myself, but the cost of that… the cost of the past few months is more than anyone should ever have to pay.  I will carry this with me for the rest of my life.  I carry on because it’s what I know how to do. I know how to soldier on, and that is what I do.  Survival mode sucks, more than anything; yet there is always hope that things will be better. 

I am looking out and trying my best to walk forward.  Preparations for moving ahead don’t seem like much, but its something.  I can look back at the gloom all day, and know it is there.  I also refuse to go back to that – even if I have truly nothing left to give. 

So again, to those who have helped me through this mess, I thank you with all I have.  To those who turned their back on me, well… I have found that you really aren’t who I thought you were.  I regrettably am all or nothing in most regards.  I’ll give you everything I can or nothing at all – and those that fit into that category, well it was fun while it lasted, and good luck in life.

To the rest of you, I’m a fighter – and I’m still going; again thank you for all that you have at least attempted. And in theory, I can only hope that I can make something more of this.  Some place to clear my head about normal every day shit.  Even some good news would be good.  Here is to hoping.