Just Need to Get This Down, pt2

Sunday, +9:

So it’s been a week.  I’m feeling a bit better.  I’m still beyond stressed, but that’s normal given the situation.  I’ve been with family a lot, and gotten some good advice from a few people who have been through this same situation. 

Insight is a good thing, and the kicker is, I can take it now.  I look at who I was and it’s no wonder the love of my life is leaving.  However, my eyes have been opened up, and I have realized several things.

1.       I am not an open book, if you look brooding; people think you are, especially if you are holding in a lot.

2.       It’s ok to be emotional, and okay to express yourself.

3.       Its ok to take criticism’s, and ok to listen to reason without instantly putting up a shield that stands in for the chip on your shoulder.

4.       I am worth the effort, and so are those I love

5.       I have people who love me no matter what

6.       I have friends and family fully willing to aid in shouldering a burden I have held inside for so long

7.       Sometimes, you hurt the person you care about the most because of not doing these things

So… after becoming completely disgusted with the piece of shit I was in that area, I’ve decided that no matter what, I am not going back to that. 

Things are still tense with us.  At least from my perspective, because I can’t just grab her and love her like I want.  She is my best friend, my lover… and I have to hold it all back as to not be overbearing.  Granted I let loose the emotions (not anger…) from time to time and get things out that I feel.  She is calm and content with her decision, and very cold to me in order to make leaving easier.  Honestly, I think that does more damage than good – but that is not my decision or something I can control.  I will just fight for her love and support her and give her what I feel she needs while she is here.   She is right there and yet so far away.  I miss her, I miss us so much. 

I want nothing more than for my girlfriend (?) to be happy in life.  I pushed her over the edge.  She needs time to heal and to find herself again.  To be selfish, I wish she would walk this journey with me.  The person who actually tried to love my sorry ass should be there to see my heart open again and rise from the ashes of a dismal existence that I was in.   But…. All I can do is fight; which I will do until the end. 

Tomorrow… tomorrow I officially start formal therapy.  Once I have an official diagnosis, or as close to one as I can get given the current situation, I will work on whatever I need to.  Currently, I just have to keep up what I started.  It’s hard to know that I was in the dark for so long.   I think I’ll start going to a support group, at least I can be around people who can relate. 

The thing is… not everyone can handle the burden.  Not everyone really understands what it is to have that sort of disease.  It’s important to have a support structure.  It’s important to surround with people who really care and can be supportive rather than back away.  Hell, I knew I had something wrong, but didn’t realize how bad it was and still never had half an inkling of an idea of what this shit does. In the end, we’re all fucked up – and it’s hard, but help and support are a blessing.  Even a smile and a check in means a lot to someone.  

Sometimes we need a slap in the face – I did.  But one thing I’ve learned is this:  if you see someone having a bad time or having some issue like that – fucking say something.  Even if they aren’t ready to face that demon, say something.  Check in, smile, and give them a fucking check in the win column even if they don’t know what it is until it’s over.  I wish more than one person did it for me… and I intend to do it to everyone for the rest of my life.  This shit is fucking hard… a hand there to help… is the greatest gift I have gotten this week. 

Until tomorrow... one day at a time. 

I just need to get this down.

So Friday I fucked something up in my life that I will forever regret.  I let my emotions run out of control and it hurt the person I hold dearest to me. 

As a result, she is leaving, and I can't do a thing to change her mind.  Not that I can really blame her in the end.  I do need help, and I do need to be better for me before I can be there for her.  But most importantly, she needs to be happy - and I want nothing more than for her to be happy. 

I have gone to the doctor, and will start therapy for clinical depression on Monday.  I also felt like I should write down what I am going through in order to get a better grasp of it.  Or... maybe one day, someone else can do the same. 

Let’s start with Saturday.  

D-Day+1:  I can't eat.  I can't sleep, and I cannot get my mind off of what has happened.  I slept on the couch last night - but not by choice really.  We fought, and I felt so terrible for what I had done that I couldn't sleep.  So I went down to watch TV, and passed out. 

She says she is leaving. I can't accept it.  My mind and body reject this with all it has.  I have dry heaved up all I can; but she still hugs me.  She still says she loves me.  She holds me.  And I know I fucked up big, but part of me is very happy that she is there.  She says she needs time and space, and I need to give that to her...

Sunday, +2:

I still can’t eat.  And I can’t leave her alone.  I need help, so I call a doctor.  I get the answering service, who says that they can take me in the morning for a consult.  

We went to the store to get food for the week and I keep asking about plans.  Because that's what I do.  I build up this potential life if I can get my shit together.  She says things haven’t changed.  I feel terrible...I need to give her the space.

Monday, +3:

I haven’t slept or eaten since Friday night really.  If you can call that sleep or eating.  

I head over to the doctor who gives me the basic questionnaire for this sort of deal.  How I feel, what I have felt, do I feel like I am a danger to myself or others?  They are good people.  I haven't had insurance since being laid off in April, and COBRA expired on me.  However, they are nice enough to let me have a sliding scale consult and refer me to a few places I can get help at in the meanwhile.  

In the end, I show signs of deep clinical depression, high stress, high anxiety, and exude signs of PTSD.  The pamphlet they hand me shows that deep emotional stress, such as being laid off, topped off with the current social situation hit hard.  However, now I have a sample pack of anti-depressants to get me started, and some anti-stress/anxiety to help me get into the new swing of the new me.  But pills are only a tool; they need help of therapy - talking it out. 

I called Sarah, who luckily was home.  I just need someone to talk to.  Someone there not on text, not over the phone.  Just someone.  And it was good to get it out. 

I went home.  Discussed the day with her.  She seems happy that I am getting help, but feelings still haven’t changed.  Can you blame her Charles?  You used her as a verbal punching bag for no apparent fucking reason at all?

I got a call back about a job.  Then I went in... And lost it.  Complete emotional breakdown.  I called my cousin and just went all out.  I begged his advice.  I begged him to help me, to help her, to help us.  I couldn't hold anything in at all.  

I went back inside, still a mess, and talked to girlfriend.  All I want is for her to stay, and walk with me through this.  For us to love one another because in the end, I feel that I found a rare person who is more special than anyone else.  That person who makes me think, who makes me wants to be better.  

I can’t keep doing this.  I can’t mope around her.  

Tuesday, +4:

I still can’t eat.  I barely slept.  I want to go to the gym and walk, but I’m scared that I don’t have the energy and will collapse there.  The last thing the people in my life need is not only to hear about my relationship, my depression, but also that I'm in the ER because I can’t take care of myself. 

I've been living off of protein shakes and water.  I can’t even drink coffee. 

It starts to hit me again.  Hard.  I’m supposed to head to Sarah’s later just to have someone else around.  But that’s not until later- so I called my dad.  I lost it bad.  Emotional breakdown full swing.  I get some sound advice and dad listens.  The same usual, but added extras because of everyone, dad knows me. 

This sucks.  She is going to go, and there is nothing you can do about it right now.  You have to just keep going and try.  Maybe she will change her mind, but probably not.  There is no magic cure, but I wish I could take it all away….

God I love her.  God I miss her... and she is right there.

I went to Sarah’s, chatted for a bit, but didn’t want to intrude.  So I came home and started the job hunt.  60 applications in this week.  5 call backs.  That is not too bad.   The pills are starting to work a little bit.  I don’t feel as angry or brooding.  I still am very, very sad, but as of the afternoon – the desire to break down isn’t really there.

I can’t keep doing this to the ones I care about.  I can’t do this to myself anymore.  I see that now.  I see what I was.  Deep, so deep in a hole and closing them all off.  I was so defensive about everything.  I couldn’t take it.  Why did I let it get so bad?  I know better. 

So anyway, I called my cousin back.  Talked, just a normal talk for a good while.  I can’t control certain things, so don’t bother with them.  And he is right. 

She is home right now.  Upstairs... reading. I am starting to get tired.  Hell, exhausted.  I’m going to go lay down next to her.  I need to grieve, and I want to be next to her for as long as I can be before she leaves.