Sunday, +9:
So it’s been a week.
I’m feeling a bit better. I’m
still beyond stressed, but that’s normal given the situation. I’ve been with family a lot, and gotten some
good advice from a few people who have been through this same situation.
Insight is a good thing, and the kicker is, I can take it
now. I look at who I was and it’s no
wonder the love of my life is leaving.
However, my eyes have been opened up, and I have realized several
things.
1.
I am not an open book, if you look brooding;
people think you are, especially if you are holding in a lot.
2.
It’s ok to be emotional, and okay to express
yourself.
3.
Its ok to take criticism’s, and ok to listen to
reason without instantly putting up a shield that stands in for the chip on
your shoulder.
4.
I am worth the effort, and so are those I love
5.
I have people who love me no matter what
6.
I have friends and family fully willing to aid
in shouldering a burden I have held inside for so long
7.
Sometimes, you hurt the person you care about
the most because of not doing these things
So… after becoming completely disgusted with the piece of
shit I was in that area, I’ve decided that no matter what, I am not going back
to that.
Things are still tense with us. At least from my perspective, because I can’t
just grab her and love her like I want.
She is my best friend, my lover… and I have to hold it all back as to
not be overbearing. Granted I let loose
the emotions (not anger…) from time to time and get things out that I feel. She is calm and content with her decision,
and very cold to me in order to make leaving easier. Honestly, I think that does more damage than
good – but that is not my decision or something I can control. I will just fight for her love and support
her and give her what I feel she needs while she is here. She is right there and yet so far away. I miss her, I miss us so much.
I want nothing more than for my girlfriend (?) to be happy
in life. I pushed her over the
edge. She needs time to heal and to find
herself again. To be selfish, I wish she
would walk this journey with me. The
person who actually tried to love my sorry ass should be there to see my heart
open again and rise from the ashes of a dismal existence that I was in. But…. All I can do is fight; which I will do
until the end.
Tomorrow… tomorrow I officially start formal therapy. Once I have an official diagnosis, or as
close to one as I can get given the current situation, I will work on whatever
I need to. Currently, I just have to
keep up what I started. It’s hard to
know that I was in the dark for so long. I think I’ll start going to a support group,
at least I can be around people who can relate.
The thing is… not everyone can handle the burden. Not everyone really understands what it is to
have that sort of disease. It’s
important to have a support structure.
It’s important to surround with people who really care and can be supportive
rather than back away. Hell, I knew I had
something wrong, but didn’t realize how bad it was and still never had half an
inkling of an idea of what this shit does. In the end, we’re all fucked up –
and it’s hard, but help and support are a blessing. Even a smile and a check in means a lot to
someone.
Sometimes we need a slap in the face – I did. But one thing I’ve learned is this: if you see someone having a bad time or
having some issue like that – fucking say something. Even if they aren’t ready to face that demon,
say something. Check in, smile, and give
them a fucking check in the win column even if they don’t know what it is until
it’s over. I wish more than one person
did it for me… and I intend to do it to everyone for the rest of my life. This shit is fucking hard… a hand there to
help… is the greatest gift I have gotten this week.
Until tomorrow... one day at a time.
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