I just need to get this down.

So Friday I fucked something up in my life that I will forever regret.  I let my emotions run out of control and it hurt the person I hold dearest to me. 

As a result, she is leaving, and I can't do a thing to change her mind.  Not that I can really blame her in the end.  I do need help, and I do need to be better for me before I can be there for her.  But most importantly, she needs to be happy - and I want nothing more than for her to be happy. 

I have gone to the doctor, and will start therapy for clinical depression on Monday.  I also felt like I should write down what I am going through in order to get a better grasp of it.  Or... maybe one day, someone else can do the same. 

Let’s start with Saturday.  

D-Day+1:  I can't eat.  I can't sleep, and I cannot get my mind off of what has happened.  I slept on the couch last night - but not by choice really.  We fought, and I felt so terrible for what I had done that I couldn't sleep.  So I went down to watch TV, and passed out. 

She says she is leaving. I can't accept it.  My mind and body reject this with all it has.  I have dry heaved up all I can; but she still hugs me.  She still says she loves me.  She holds me.  And I know I fucked up big, but part of me is very happy that she is there.  She says she needs time and space, and I need to give that to her...

Sunday, +2:

I still can’t eat.  And I can’t leave her alone.  I need help, so I call a doctor.  I get the answering service, who says that they can take me in the morning for a consult.  

We went to the store to get food for the week and I keep asking about plans.  Because that's what I do.  I build up this potential life if I can get my shit together.  She says things haven’t changed.  I feel terrible...I need to give her the space.

Monday, +3:

I haven’t slept or eaten since Friday night really.  If you can call that sleep or eating.  

I head over to the doctor who gives me the basic questionnaire for this sort of deal.  How I feel, what I have felt, do I feel like I am a danger to myself or others?  They are good people.  I haven't had insurance since being laid off in April, and COBRA expired on me.  However, they are nice enough to let me have a sliding scale consult and refer me to a few places I can get help at in the meanwhile.  

In the end, I show signs of deep clinical depression, high stress, high anxiety, and exude signs of PTSD.  The pamphlet they hand me shows that deep emotional stress, such as being laid off, topped off with the current social situation hit hard.  However, now I have a sample pack of anti-depressants to get me started, and some anti-stress/anxiety to help me get into the new swing of the new me.  But pills are only a tool; they need help of therapy - talking it out. 

I called Sarah, who luckily was home.  I just need someone to talk to.  Someone there not on text, not over the phone.  Just someone.  And it was good to get it out. 

I went home.  Discussed the day with her.  She seems happy that I am getting help, but feelings still haven’t changed.  Can you blame her Charles?  You used her as a verbal punching bag for no apparent fucking reason at all?

I got a call back about a job.  Then I went in... And lost it.  Complete emotional breakdown.  I called my cousin and just went all out.  I begged his advice.  I begged him to help me, to help her, to help us.  I couldn't hold anything in at all.  

I went back inside, still a mess, and talked to girlfriend.  All I want is for her to stay, and walk with me through this.  For us to love one another because in the end, I feel that I found a rare person who is more special than anyone else.  That person who makes me think, who makes me wants to be better.  

I can’t keep doing this.  I can’t mope around her.  

Tuesday, +4:

I still can’t eat.  I barely slept.  I want to go to the gym and walk, but I’m scared that I don’t have the energy and will collapse there.  The last thing the people in my life need is not only to hear about my relationship, my depression, but also that I'm in the ER because I can’t take care of myself. 

I've been living off of protein shakes and water.  I can’t even drink coffee. 

It starts to hit me again.  Hard.  I’m supposed to head to Sarah’s later just to have someone else around.  But that’s not until later- so I called my dad.  I lost it bad.  Emotional breakdown full swing.  I get some sound advice and dad listens.  The same usual, but added extras because of everyone, dad knows me. 

This sucks.  She is going to go, and there is nothing you can do about it right now.  You have to just keep going and try.  Maybe she will change her mind, but probably not.  There is no magic cure, but I wish I could take it all away….

God I love her.  God I miss her... and she is right there.

I went to Sarah’s, chatted for a bit, but didn’t want to intrude.  So I came home and started the job hunt.  60 applications in this week.  5 call backs.  That is not too bad.   The pills are starting to work a little bit.  I don’t feel as angry or brooding.  I still am very, very sad, but as of the afternoon – the desire to break down isn’t really there.

I can’t keep doing this to the ones I care about.  I can’t do this to myself anymore.  I see that now.  I see what I was.  Deep, so deep in a hole and closing them all off.  I was so defensive about everything.  I couldn’t take it.  Why did I let it get so bad?  I know better. 

So anyway, I called my cousin back.  Talked, just a normal talk for a good while.  I can’t control certain things, so don’t bother with them.  And he is right. 

She is home right now.  Upstairs... reading. I am starting to get tired.  Hell, exhausted.  I’m going to go lay down next to her.  I need to grieve, and I want to be next to her for as long as I can be before she leaves.