Week 9: Probably the last update on this mess

So here I am. 9 weeks after the event that changed my life forever.  From one perspective I am in a better place than I was back then; others, I am closer and closer to an abyss than I have ever been.   So without further ado, here goes the news.  Now I must say to start, that I do have a few soapbox moments… so yeah. 

Let’s start with some good news. 

I have started basic therapy, started support groups, and started a form of “rubber band” therapy for PTSD.  Nothing is perfect, but that’s a good start to my future of knowing.  I know what my triggers are, and I know how I react to them.  The head docs, who I lucked out with and get along with wonderfully, have given me the nice bill of future health.  Basically, after all is said and done, I should (pending nothing serious) be ok and able to manage with the right attention and care. 

Now this may be wrong, but I fit into the category of those who have had the “light switch moment” and got to see what I was and have taken measures to change that.  I am apparently one of the few people diagnosed who have these sorts of moments.  This makes me a bit more at ease with that part of life.  So on the depression/PTSD track, not perfect, but on the right track, and should be good. Not exactly a win, but it’s a start.

So now I say this:  If you know about an issue, whether someone sees it or not, talk about it.  Ask if you can fucking do something about it.  Don’t just assume that they are bored, or pissed, or that it’s “normal”.  Something could be seriously fucking wrong; you have an obligation as a friend, to at least try.  If you call this person a friend, see what the fuck is up.  Never tell someone there is no hope, to give up, and to move on.  Never ever… and if you are one of those who do – well might need to learn how to get out of that mind set.  Get them to open up and tell them you are there (and fucking mean it), ask what they can do (and fucking do it).  No one, I repeat, no one is equipped to handle this shit.  Even those of us who have seen some real shit and know it, cannot say we are ready for it when it happens. 

I have been on both sides.  I’ve been the one hurting, and the one helping.  I know full well how much it sucks to be watching a friend or loved one hurt like nothing else and be powerless to aid them.  But regardless, I can say that I give it my all.  I see what I can do, I reach out, I will not back down until I know things will be ok one way or another.  But I know that that’s not everyone.  Yet… be a friend.  Show you care. It might mean someone’s life.  And if you cant.. Well personally I tell you to fuck off and eat a dick… but not everyone can deal with that either.   So I will say it again, but to those who have truly helped me in this, I thank you and can only do so much to repay you; even if that is a shoulder to carry a burden for you as well.

Regardless of indifference or willingness to go at it, I have and will always respect those who push to get the truth.  To push for the answers on both sides and take the measures to ensure that things are to a point where its ok.  Those who go that extra mile to make sure shit gets sorted out.  I lose all respect of those who do not.

Man, kind of dire for good news… but anyway; now the bad.

I dropped over 25 pounds over the course of the past 2 months.  Which some see that in other lights, were as I am happy to have lost some, it pretty much undoes all the hard work I put into toning up and whatnot. 

I am still unemployed full time.  The bills are adding up, and thinking I have someone to hold me up ended up being a trust fall that caused me to hit rock bottom in that area too.  I honestly haven’t been this miserable in general in a long time.  Even now, while I am ok with where I am going, I have lost it all.  Yet… as it goes, only after we have lost everything are we able to do anything. 

Companies are full of dipshits.  And those dipshits make the rules where whoever you talk to claims to give you an option to help you out, but still fuck you over.  Sorry companies, lenders, state government and whoever else says I owe them – I would love to pay you if I could.  I take great pride in earning my way.  However, for now – get in line like everyone else wanting to take it out of my ass(there isn’t jack shit there anymore).    

She… is gone.  Probably for good.  I watched her seemingly begin the path that I just finished.  Seemingly unable or unwilling to deal with it, unable to really sit down and talk about it with people.  I guess maybe it’s because I finally realized what I was doing by bottling things up inside that I went to anyone and everyone.  I asked for help, guidance, aid, assistance in any form I could get.  You claim to never care what others thing – and in truth I really don’t either. But I do know this, most of the people we know give a shit.  They have an opinion and will help you through no matter what – you just have to accept it and extend a hand.  That’s who we are. 

If you ever read this, know that I honestly still love you with all my heart. Nothing will change that.  One day I hope we can be ok and you will come back.  If it was true love, then we shall see.  If it was just another game, then I was played like a fool.  But I will do my best to move on.  The one thing I truly needed for this to be at an end, is the one thing you can’t give me.  A real talk, a real chance, you to be the shoulder I lean on, and you me.  Otherwise, it’ll just be dealing with it. 

Every day, I look into the abyss.  I have released the hand of hatred for myself, but the cost of that… the cost of the past few months is more than anyone should ever have to pay.  I will carry this with me for the rest of my life.  I carry on because it’s what I know how to do. I know how to soldier on, and that is what I do.  Survival mode sucks, more than anything; yet there is always hope that things will be better. 

I am looking out and trying my best to walk forward.  Preparations for moving ahead don’t seem like much, but its something.  I can look back at the gloom all day, and know it is there.  I also refuse to go back to that – even if I have truly nothing left to give. 

So again, to those who have helped me through this mess, I thank you with all I have.  To those who turned their back on me, well… I have found that you really aren’t who I thought you were.  I regrettably am all or nothing in most regards.  I’ll give you everything I can or nothing at all – and those that fit into that category, well it was fun while it lasted, and good luck in life.

To the rest of you, I’m a fighter – and I’m still going; again thank you for all that you have at least attempted. And in theory, I can only hope that I can make something more of this.  Some place to clear my head about normal every day shit.  Even some good news would be good.  Here is to hoping.  

Chronicles of... something, something...

So update… its bitter sweet.

I went to see a specialist this past Monday. Spent close to 5 hours going through the medical ringer; talking, exams, labs, blood – and therapy. It was a draining day on me, but overall I feel good about the direction I am heading.  I have depression.  I am not ok with that – but I am ok with knowing it and accepting it now.  

For the most part, a clean bill of health.  In theory, once I gain a hold on this, my health issues should begin to dwindle as well.  Which is good.  I am fixable.  I was given an extension on my anti-depressant, but since it won’t fully kick in for another 3 weeks, won’t know the full effects. 

Maybe… maybe all I needed was to see myself.  I hate how it happened, but it happened, and that part I am happy about.  However, I know what needs to be done.  It was nice to hear that things aren't so bad, and I actually thought they were right.  Given that I have accepted things and have taken steps to correct things is a good thing.  I have a tool, I have a guide who pointed me in the right direction and made me say the words to make me want it (not that I ever want to go back into that again after so long), but I don’t have that someone to walk with me. 

She left.  I blew up in an emotional outburst and it was the last straw.  For once we had a legit argument, a legit reason to be pissed and it was just to make it end.  I’m so drained.  Emotionally, physically… I’m not used to feeling like this.  It is just too much to handle, and I lost my temper.  I yelled, I screamed…. But I didn’t sling mud.  I said what I thought needed to be said.  But.. I yelled it which makes it wrong in itself.  We had a moment, and then I fucked it up, because I yelled.  She packed up and went to our friends to stay.  Probably moving there before making the big move home - but I can hope for better.  I honestly want her happy above all else (and my heart is screaming at my brain right now because I keep fucking it up and had the chance to make her and everyone else happy and treat them right and i couldn't even fucking do that right before now).  

Every bit of me is trying to reach out.  But I cant.  She needs to be free and make up her own mind if she wants to be the one to stand beside me after this.  I wouldn’t – but then again, I wouldn’t give up if there as a chance. 

Anyway.  I called family, and was welcomed with open arms.  I told the world that I fucked up, and I own that.  I’m moving forward anyway, even though it hurts. They told me what it was – I fucked up and she is pissed.  But most people did the right thing – they stood beside me, they didn’t take sides, and they didn’t feed me what I wanted to hear – but what I needed to hear.  Which is what a few people have been trying to do for so long…

 I’ve seen people go through this – watched more pain than I ever wanted to feel.  Been there as a shoulder to lean on or the blunt opinion that they needed to hear.  I never denied I was fucked up, I just thought it wasn't that bad and thought i had control.  Part of the reason I’m in this mess is because I shut myself away.  And yet here I am… braving the storm.  I have yet to learn how to sing in the rain, but I have learned to go out in it and feel ok. 

I’m coming out of depression, that’s the goal. So with that journey, I have to open up my heart.  I have to feel every bit of pain and loss. Here goes nothing…  I hope one day that I can be the man I need to be.  The man that the woman who showed me love needs me to be, whether we are together or not.  I need to do this solo or with help. 

The plan now… move on in somewhat.  Get a job, get back on my feet.  Learn that I can have a shoulder to help if I want or need it.  I start group tomorrow, and go in for another therapy session Monday. 

One thing would make me the happiest, luckiest guy right now… but that’s doubtful.  I need a win, and I need to work for it.   I’ve gotta do this before it kills me. 

Thank you love for pushing me to do this.  Thank you for being you.  

Just Need to Get This Down, pt2

Sunday, +9:

So it’s been a week.  I’m feeling a bit better.  I’m still beyond stressed, but that’s normal given the situation.  I’ve been with family a lot, and gotten some good advice from a few people who have been through this same situation. 

Insight is a good thing, and the kicker is, I can take it now.  I look at who I was and it’s no wonder the love of my life is leaving.  However, my eyes have been opened up, and I have realized several things.

1.       I am not an open book, if you look brooding; people think you are, especially if you are holding in a lot.

2.       It’s ok to be emotional, and okay to express yourself.

3.       Its ok to take criticism’s, and ok to listen to reason without instantly putting up a shield that stands in for the chip on your shoulder.

4.       I am worth the effort, and so are those I love

5.       I have people who love me no matter what

6.       I have friends and family fully willing to aid in shouldering a burden I have held inside for so long

7.       Sometimes, you hurt the person you care about the most because of not doing these things

So… after becoming completely disgusted with the piece of shit I was in that area, I’ve decided that no matter what, I am not going back to that. 

Things are still tense with us.  At least from my perspective, because I can’t just grab her and love her like I want.  She is my best friend, my lover… and I have to hold it all back as to not be overbearing.  Granted I let loose the emotions (not anger…) from time to time and get things out that I feel.  She is calm and content with her decision, and very cold to me in order to make leaving easier.  Honestly, I think that does more damage than good – but that is not my decision or something I can control.  I will just fight for her love and support her and give her what I feel she needs while she is here.   She is right there and yet so far away.  I miss her, I miss us so much. 

I want nothing more than for my girlfriend (?) to be happy in life.  I pushed her over the edge.  She needs time to heal and to find herself again.  To be selfish, I wish she would walk this journey with me.  The person who actually tried to love my sorry ass should be there to see my heart open again and rise from the ashes of a dismal existence that I was in.   But…. All I can do is fight; which I will do until the end. 

Tomorrow… tomorrow I officially start formal therapy.  Once I have an official diagnosis, or as close to one as I can get given the current situation, I will work on whatever I need to.  Currently, I just have to keep up what I started.  It’s hard to know that I was in the dark for so long.   I think I’ll start going to a support group, at least I can be around people who can relate. 

The thing is… not everyone can handle the burden.  Not everyone really understands what it is to have that sort of disease.  It’s important to have a support structure.  It’s important to surround with people who really care and can be supportive rather than back away.  Hell, I knew I had something wrong, but didn’t realize how bad it was and still never had half an inkling of an idea of what this shit does. In the end, we’re all fucked up – and it’s hard, but help and support are a blessing.  Even a smile and a check in means a lot to someone.  

Sometimes we need a slap in the face – I did.  But one thing I’ve learned is this:  if you see someone having a bad time or having some issue like that – fucking say something.  Even if they aren’t ready to face that demon, say something.  Check in, smile, and give them a fucking check in the win column even if they don’t know what it is until it’s over.  I wish more than one person did it for me… and I intend to do it to everyone for the rest of my life.  This shit is fucking hard… a hand there to help… is the greatest gift I have gotten this week. 

Until tomorrow... one day at a time. 

I just need to get this down.

So Friday I fucked something up in my life that I will forever regret.  I let my emotions run out of control and it hurt the person I hold dearest to me. 

As a result, she is leaving, and I can't do a thing to change her mind.  Not that I can really blame her in the end.  I do need help, and I do need to be better for me before I can be there for her.  But most importantly, she needs to be happy - and I want nothing more than for her to be happy. 

I have gone to the doctor, and will start therapy for clinical depression on Monday.  I also felt like I should write down what I am going through in order to get a better grasp of it.  Or... maybe one day, someone else can do the same. 

Let’s start with Saturday.  

D-Day+1:  I can't eat.  I can't sleep, and I cannot get my mind off of what has happened.  I slept on the couch last night - but not by choice really.  We fought, and I felt so terrible for what I had done that I couldn't sleep.  So I went down to watch TV, and passed out. 

She says she is leaving. I can't accept it.  My mind and body reject this with all it has.  I have dry heaved up all I can; but she still hugs me.  She still says she loves me.  She holds me.  And I know I fucked up big, but part of me is very happy that she is there.  She says she needs time and space, and I need to give that to her...

Sunday, +2:

I still can’t eat.  And I can’t leave her alone.  I need help, so I call a doctor.  I get the answering service, who says that they can take me in the morning for a consult.  

We went to the store to get food for the week and I keep asking about plans.  Because that's what I do.  I build up this potential life if I can get my shit together.  She says things haven’t changed.  I feel terrible...I need to give her the space.

Monday, +3:

I haven’t slept or eaten since Friday night really.  If you can call that sleep or eating.  

I head over to the doctor who gives me the basic questionnaire for this sort of deal.  How I feel, what I have felt, do I feel like I am a danger to myself or others?  They are good people.  I haven't had insurance since being laid off in April, and COBRA expired on me.  However, they are nice enough to let me have a sliding scale consult and refer me to a few places I can get help at in the meanwhile.  

In the end, I show signs of deep clinical depression, high stress, high anxiety, and exude signs of PTSD.  The pamphlet they hand me shows that deep emotional stress, such as being laid off, topped off with the current social situation hit hard.  However, now I have a sample pack of anti-depressants to get me started, and some anti-stress/anxiety to help me get into the new swing of the new me.  But pills are only a tool; they need help of therapy - talking it out. 

I called Sarah, who luckily was home.  I just need someone to talk to.  Someone there not on text, not over the phone.  Just someone.  And it was good to get it out. 

I went home.  Discussed the day with her.  She seems happy that I am getting help, but feelings still haven’t changed.  Can you blame her Charles?  You used her as a verbal punching bag for no apparent fucking reason at all?

I got a call back about a job.  Then I went in... And lost it.  Complete emotional breakdown.  I called my cousin and just went all out.  I begged his advice.  I begged him to help me, to help her, to help us.  I couldn't hold anything in at all.  

I went back inside, still a mess, and talked to girlfriend.  All I want is for her to stay, and walk with me through this.  For us to love one another because in the end, I feel that I found a rare person who is more special than anyone else.  That person who makes me think, who makes me wants to be better.  

I can’t keep doing this.  I can’t mope around her.  

Tuesday, +4:

I still can’t eat.  I barely slept.  I want to go to the gym and walk, but I’m scared that I don’t have the energy and will collapse there.  The last thing the people in my life need is not only to hear about my relationship, my depression, but also that I'm in the ER because I can’t take care of myself. 

I've been living off of protein shakes and water.  I can’t even drink coffee. 

It starts to hit me again.  Hard.  I’m supposed to head to Sarah’s later just to have someone else around.  But that’s not until later- so I called my dad.  I lost it bad.  Emotional breakdown full swing.  I get some sound advice and dad listens.  The same usual, but added extras because of everyone, dad knows me. 

This sucks.  She is going to go, and there is nothing you can do about it right now.  You have to just keep going and try.  Maybe she will change her mind, but probably not.  There is no magic cure, but I wish I could take it all away….

God I love her.  God I miss her... and she is right there.

I went to Sarah’s, chatted for a bit, but didn’t want to intrude.  So I came home and started the job hunt.  60 applications in this week.  5 call backs.  That is not too bad.   The pills are starting to work a little bit.  I don’t feel as angry or brooding.  I still am very, very sad, but as of the afternoon – the desire to break down isn’t really there.

I can’t keep doing this to the ones I care about.  I can’t do this to myself anymore.  I see that now.  I see what I was.  Deep, so deep in a hole and closing them all off.  I was so defensive about everything.  I couldn’t take it.  Why did I let it get so bad?  I know better. 

So anyway, I called my cousin back.  Talked, just a normal talk for a good while.  I can’t control certain things, so don’t bother with them.  And he is right. 

She is home right now.  Upstairs... reading. I am starting to get tired.  Hell, exhausted.  I’m going to go lay down next to her.  I need to grieve, and I want to be next to her for as long as I can be before she leaves.